What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive

What Not to Say to a Friend Struggling to Conceive

Infertility can be a challenging topic to discuss, and many individuals feel the weight of well-meaning but often hurtful remarks. Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old receptionist from Belfast, recalls how the aftermath of her third miscarriage turned a typical workday into a painful experience. Two managers, who were aware of her situation, made comments that left her feeling vulnerable. One female manager remarked, “At least you were early in your pregnancy,” while a male colleague suggested she “didn’t look presentable enough” for her role. “I was in shock,” Vicky said. She eventually resigned, unable to endure the remarks. Her story highlights how even supportive people can unintentionally cause emotional distress.

“I know they’re trying to bring comfort,” Vicky added. “But, in the moment, when you’re going through the motions, I wish people wouldn’t say that, because it hurts.”

Others share similar sentiments. Kay, 33, from Manchester, described how friends and family sometimes use infertility as a subject for reassurance rather than empathy. “You are met with really poor words from people,” she said during an episode of Woman’s Hour’s Guide to Life. “The vast majority of ill-judged comments aren’t intentional, but they can come across as insensitive.” Kay remembered a close relative sitting her down before starting IVF and telling her, “A lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it.”

According to the NHS, approximately one in seven couples face difficulty conceiving. In 2023, over 50,000 patients in the UK underwent IVF cycles, where embryos are created in a lab and transferred to the uterus. Despite the prevalence of the issue, those experiencing it often find conversations about it difficult. Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on an NHS IVF waiting list, initially hesitated to share her struggles. “There’s a sense of embarrassment,” she explained. “Because that is what your body’s meant to do, so you feel like you’re failing yourself.”

For Asiya Dawood, 42, a British-Pakistani woman in West London, cultural pressures add to the emotional burden. She noted that in some South Asian communities, women who struggle to conceive quickly after marriage are frequently questioned. “You’re questioned about being womanly enough,” Asiya said. Relatives may also blame the wife for prioritizing her career or delaying marriage. “I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life,” she recalled, having withdrawn from friends and family due to relentless comments. “Asking for help is taboo and might be perceived as a sign of weakness.”

Experts emphasize the importance of understanding how individuals process infertility differently. Joyce Harper, a professor of reproductive science at University College London (UCL), described the emotional toll of fertility treatments. “The treatment itself is a roller coaster, and then the days when you get that period or you’ve had your embryo transfer back; there are so many times when it becomes really difficult,” she told Woman’s Hour. Dr Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, noted that support systems can vary. “It might be that your IVF support team are different to the people who would normally support you,” Prince said. She encouraged individuals to seek professional counseling, which is available at UK clinics, including NHS facilities.

While some friends and family may offer thoughtful support, others overlook the need for personal input. Chloe recommended that people ask the person experiencing infertility what kind of help they require, as preferences differ. “Random check-ins, remembering dates of appointments, and educating yourself on treatments can show that you’re thinking of the person,” she said. Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, shared how her own journey was eased by such gestures. After multiple miscarriages, she received comfort from loved ones, including food, flowers, and vouchers for a break. “My parents and husband even bought me flowers for Mother’s Day,” she said, adding that small acts of kindness often carry the most meaning.